Autumn Hedonia

I don’t experience jealously in relationships. There are things I have felt were unfair, maybe more than I should have , but I don’t go in for its resentment, insecurity and possessiveness. I feel like I never have, but all the same I have gotten somehow even less jealous than I was before. The more polyamory Dorian and I experience, the less jealous I am. I joked to a friend of mine that my jealously is actually at a negative value. I often experience satisfaction in situations that would make other people livid with jealousy.

Every now and then I come up with something I feel would make a good quote. A perfect statement or rant that, were I famous, might find its way onto Tumblr or Facebook or something. I’m not famous, and no-one has any especial reason to listen to me – but I felt this quote was worth putting out there anyway. I wish I could stand behind this quote in a lot of ways, I’m not quite this confident and centred and untouchable and full of fraternal sympathies as this might make me seem, but one day I hope to be. I imagine finding myself interviewed and the interviewer saying something like, “You take a lot of heat from trolls on the internet saying that you can’t sing, how does that make you feel?”

Bloc Party - Flux What is it with everyone on Tinder just looking for an adventure? There are people with photos of themselves climbing mountains and eating exotic food and kissing the foreheads of exotic children and swimming in deep blue seas like goddamn mermaids – and they’re still looking for an adventure as though their life is so humdrum and boring.

A letter tracing exercise. Maybe I heard it last night. Singing “ And All That J azz ” for the millionth time. The way my voice is rich and characterful and how it now has confidence in this song – knows it inside out – but is still so rough and unpracticed around the edges. Like there’s a narrow passage down which the notes run, and although my voice follows that passage pretty well now, instead of drawing a smooth, flowing, exact and practiced line, it's like a child or someone with fine motor control problems attempting it. Almost all within the bounds, but shaky and jagged and unsure, too textured and at times a little short of the mark. It made me sad in a way, because I’d hoped confidence was more (all) of my issue, and once I “broke through” that, the voice would follow. But I can’t escape the fact that I have a very untrained sounding voice. So not only am I missing the confidence, I’m also missing all the hard yards that go into molding a trained voice...