Autumn Hedonia

I’m eating warm plum brioche, standing in the kitchen. I’m making a lovely coffee with my coffee machine and fresh milk. My teeth are clean and I am not in pain. It’s raining outside and Vampire Weekend are playing on the Coffee Shop Indie radio station on Google Music. My afternoon is my own.

I just witnessed my mother scream at, strike and choke a Doberman puppy, for hours*. The dog is her pet of a few months. I am not overwhelmingly moved by animal cruelty, perhaps not any more than your average person. I am a pragmatist and have always accepted that some animals live and die by the wills of humans and those higher on the food chain. But I strongly believe in being humane, and causing as little suffering to animals (people included) as we can during the time we are alive. We should try to create a planet where as many beings as possible can flourish for as long as possible. Tread lightly. Propagate happiness.

I don’t experience jealously in relationships. There are things I have felt were unfair, maybe more than I should have , but I don’t go in for its resentment, insecurity and possessiveness. I feel like I never have, but all the same I have gotten somehow even less jealous than I was before. The more polyamory Dorian and I experience, the less jealous I am. I joked to a friend of mine that my jealously is actually at a negative value. I often experience satisfaction in situations that would make other people livid with jealousy.

When I first began my concerted effort towards recovering from depression, after I had first spoken to my doctor and been officially diagnosed, things did improve, and shift. As the heavy fog of not even having the energy to leave the house lifted, I began to (for the first time since I was 12) experience anxiety. I had these times where I was afraid to go to sleep, because I felt like bad things would happen if I did. It would just come over me in the evening and I would feel very paranoid and out-of-sorts and like sleeping was the one thing guaranteed to make it worse. I’ve never been one for nightmares or being scared of them, so it was very odd and worrying for me. I think I more subconsciously feared waking up in the middle of the night with gastro – which has happened. Eventually I would sleep, and nothing bad ever happened. I also got angrier as the depression... mutated, I think. I just stared taking a more active role in my mental illness. Less ketamine-like stupor of forbea

Previously, in ‘ Resolve ’ I explored and lamented the fact that there was no answer to why I was depressed and that I did not have the wherewithal to overcome it. I discovered, almost immediately after I finished writing it, in conversation via email to Andrea about the blog, that there was a very big reason (though only one reason of many) why I was depressed. And I had missed it, for years.

My first political cartoon.  Inspired by this photo. Tags: #trans #transphobia #bathrooms #toilets #labelling #gender #rights #identity #bathroombill

I’ve never titled a blog with a person’s name before. I didn’t want to. All the names on this blog are fabricated, so it is potentially both pointless and disingenuous. But there was no other way of doing it, because this blog is all about her. Andrea.

The time has come to make a 2016 New Year’s Resolution. In 2014 I resolved that I would beat my depression. I talked to my doctor, I had therapy, I took supplements, I went to the gym, I took up a sport, I talked to my friends, I tried to change my schedule, and I tried to change the way I thought. I did a lot of things. I’d love to say that they worked or that I succeeded, but it didn’t go like that, I doubt it ever does. Things changed, for sure. And I continued, and continue, to try and find ways in which things aren’t working, and try to fix them. I explored part of that in ‘ I’m Not Saying Sorry Anymore . ’ This is a continuation of that story.

Every now and then I come up with something I feel would make a good quote. A perfect statement or rant that, were I famous, might find its way onto Tumblr or Facebook or something. I’m not famous, and no-one has any especial reason to listen to me – but I felt this quote was worth putting out there anyway. I wish I could stand behind this quote in a lot of ways, I’m not quite this confident and centred and untouchable and full of fraternal sympathies as this might make me seem, but one day I hope to be. I imagine finding myself interviewed and the interviewer saying something like, “You take a lot of heat from trolls on the internet saying that you can’t sing, how does that make you feel?”